This page contain 27
commands to
be distributed
among all
computer users
in a
big or
small scale
company having
a computer
department “support”
service.
The
following text
gives an
outline of
some ways
you can
deal with
computer department
operators without
annoying them
at all ;-)
I
don’t
know
who
wrote
it
or
translated
it,
but
I
hope
I
am
not
violating
any
copyright
laws
just
by
publishing
it.
If
you
know
anything
about
it,
please
e-mail
me !
1. When you
call the
Computer Department
for help,
make sure
that your
computer is
buried under
half a ton of
photos of
your baby,
teddy-bears, dried
flowers and
your children’s
school drawings.
2.
Don’t ever
write something
down. Never !
We can
turn the
time back
and see
what error
messages were
given by
the computer.
3.
When someone
from the
C.D. (Computer
Department) tells
you that
he is on his
way to
your place,
you decide
to go
out for a
cup of
coffee. So
you are
not around
when your
password is
needed. Remembering
500 user
codes, for
us, is
a piece of
cake !
4.
When you
call for
help, tell
us what
you want
to do and not
what prevents
you from
doing so.
We are
interested in
that you
want to
open the
file of
a customer’s
orders for
a given
time period
and for
a given
list of
products. We
are not
at all
interested to
know why
you cannot
turn on
your PC !
5.
When you
receive a
very important
e-mail from
the C.D.,
delete it
immediately. We have just
decided to
perform some
checks.
6.
When someone
from the
C.D. has
something to
eat on his
desk, rush
up to
him and
ask for
anything you
want. We
live only
to serve
you !
7. If the
photocopying machine
doesn’t work,
call the
C.D., it’s
full of electronic
circuits, too, anyway.
8.
If your
computer or
some peripheral
unit at
home doesn’t
work, call
the C.D.
guys, we
will fix
it remotely !
9.
When you
have an
old computer
you want to
get rid
of, call
us. We are collectors !
10. Don’t tell
us what
the problem
with your
computer is, over
the phone.
We just
love traveling
and solving
riddles on
the spot !
11.
If someone from
the C.D.
tells you
that there
isn’t a
cassette playing
in your
screen, don’t
believe him,
try to convince him
that he
is wrong and
you are
right. A
good discussion
is always
constructive.
12.
When a
member of
the C.D.
staff tells
you that he is
going to
be there soon,
ask him
rudely : “How
many weeks
is soon
enough for
you?” This
will definitely
inspire us !
13.
When the
printer doesn’t
work, try
sending in
your print
command at
least 20
times. You
see, printouts
often get
lost in
black holes !
14. If your
printer insists
on not working after
the 20th
attempt, please
send your
work to
the remaining 50
printers of the
company. One
of them
is bound
to work,
anyway !
15. Don’t ever
learn the
correct technical
term for
something.We know
exactly what
you mean
by saying : “my THING ! doesn’t
work”.
16.
Don’t use
help programs.
This sort
of thing
is for
the brainless.
17.
If the
mouse lead
keeps knocking
over your
dog’s favourite
picture, lift
your computer
and bury
the lead
underneath. These
leads have
been designed
to work
perfectly under
a load of 25
kilos on
top of them.
18. If “Enter” command doesn’t work, blame it on the last upgrade you have done to your equipment. Keyboards are generally happy with a pound of breadcrumbs and a load of clipped nails inside them!
19.
If you
see the
message “Are
you sure?”,
press “Yes”
as fast
as you
can. The
fastest the
better !!! What
the hell,
would you
ever do
something you
don’t want
to do?
20.
When you
see someone
from the
C.D. talking
to his
bank manager
on the
phone, sit
in front
of him
without being
invited and
keep staring
at him
until he
hangs up.
Besides, we
don’t have
enough money
to spend
it around
calling the
bank, too,
do we?
21. Don’t feel restrained to use insulting expressions such as : “I have no idea about this computer garbage”. We are not insulted either when you use the term “garbage” to describe our field of work.
22.
Every time
you need
to change
toner or
ink-tape in
a printer,
call the
C.D. It
is about a
very complicated
and extremely
dangerous procedure,
and Hewlett
Packard, IBM
and other
companies recommend
that you
call in
professional technicians with
PhDs in
nuclear physics
to deal
with this
kind of
problem.
23.
When you
have a
problem, tell
someone else
to call
the C.D.
people. It
is very
challenging for
us to try to
communicate through
a third
party who
has no
idea what
he is talking about.
24.
If you
are sent
a huge file containing
Lotus Notes
send it,
in turn,
to everyone
else you
know. Your
e-mail server
has infinite
space and
will just
be delighted
to accommodate
you.
25.
Don’t ever
think of
breaking down
a huge
print job
into smaller
pieces. In
this way
you might
even give
somebody else
the chance
to print
a tiny
memo in
between your
documents.
26.
If you bump
into somebody
from the
C.D. in
the local
supermarket, ask
him quickly
about a
possible update
of your
system at
home, scheduled
for next
semester.
27. Keep it crashing !!!
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